• traniesacaldwell

2022…late night early morning thoughts

Crashed early and now I’m up thinking about safety, boundaries, and care for Black queer and/or trans folks after break ups of any kind. Like love bombing, gaslighting as if shxx didn’t happen how it happened smh, changing the narrative to something positive instead of apologizing after dragging a person’s name/character(true story), showing up to the spaces your ex created which makes the space less affirming for them, indirect contact, and just a blatant lack of respect for boundaries. We either laugh or get angry at Kanye, but we rarely see how we do his same behaviors(regardless of status, income, gender, and/or race) because either our friends don’t check us or we don’t care to be respectful. This is why I document EVERYTHING. This is why I leave when I go with some folks because of this shxx. It’s downright scary and soooo unsafe smh So grateful for my village and having hard convos.

Thinking about gatekeeping and respectability politics. Fighting against these bills are draining asf. Too many folks are quiet. I don’t want to see another RIP posts about trans youth when you don’t even affirm them while they’re living. I’m also learning that there are trans orgs and even trans folks who don’t want us in the room. I work with folks who get it. Even if they don’t care for me, they care for the work. We got trans folks in this work who don’t care for the work. It’s time to weed em out.

I’ve been enjoying my home again. My work doesn’t start early any more. Mon.-Thurs. 10am-6pm. My evenings are mine. I don’t even talk on the phone like I use to with my people. More writing, reading, and reflecting. The peace and quiet of my own shxx no matter where I am is top tier heaux. I feel as if folks are gonna disrupt that, they can’t come over. So far this year, I’ve only allowed a handful. I MIGHT host a kickback next month, but I’m so good on being left tf alone.

But also traveling more. Planning a trip with some friends. If my submission gets accepted, flying out to be at the opening of the show. New memories. New life. New me. Working on being in a cabin or near a beach the end of April. Want to finish my book and some projects. My second solo trip 🤗

Also updating my resume and looking to expand out. Dani Mars and my sister Christina have inspired me to build and grow for myself in 2022. Do you know how dope it is to be water and be watered? No dragging folks just elevation. Whew

Therapy has saved me more days than I can remember, and I don’t want nobody around me or in my life without some form of care(especially if you have access) folks get so caught up on talk therapy, but there are soooo many techniques. If we need a doctor for our physical health…

I’m touch deprived and just want to be held and watch movies. I crave intimacy and dope ass convo without social justice language being dropped every other damn sentence 🙄😒 just because you know terminology doesn’t mean you get shxx. Like just exist. Laugh. Eat good food. Listen to music with me and sit around my fire pit with me and some of my friends.

Planning for a baby has been harder than I want to admit. I’ve been repeatedly asking myself is this what I really want to do. I’m just glad this is a year of planning smh my therapist cackles at me about this and my chosen birth partner. Also sitting with how do I explain to someone no we’re not together just having a baby together lol I guess like that

This was a lot to read, but also I’ll be doing more of these on here. I need it. Last one was July smh gotta do better. Take this journey with me

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